Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times
Comedy
About
The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Episodes
- ‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’
In this episode, Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discusses his Spanish language skills with his father in anticipation of a trip to Bilbao. He also shares his thoughts on what he learned from rugby versus school.
- I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly describes an encounter at the gym with Nicola, his daughter Honor's new girlfriend. He expresses confusion about wanting to spend time with her despite having no romantic interest.
- ‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word
This episode of Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times features a scene with the old man at Shanahan’s on the Green. He is described as smoking a large Cohiba.
- ‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly recounts a conversation with Sorcha about their daughter's relationship and his current mood following a rugby victory. He considers making a joke but decides against it.
- ‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’
This episode features Ross O'Carroll-Kelly recounting a quote from Bernie. The quote is about potatoes au gratin and people with money but no class. Bernie is Claire's mother, from Bray.
- We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is driving through Donnybrook when Sorcha suddenly shouts for him to stop, causing an unexpected turn of events. He recounts the incident near the former location of Kielys.
- ‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's trip to Dubai is cancelled due to a war, a fact he was unaware of. He finds himself in a crowded airport, where Sorcha compliments his mood.
- ‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly experiences his 'literally, worst nightmares' as his team faces a significant defeat against the Blackrock first years. He describes the situation as beyond what he could have planned for.
- ‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is in his happy place, preparing for a rugby match against Blackrock College. He has a plan to beat them.
- ‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly talks about school rivalry. He recounts a Sunday morning exchange with Sorcha about going out for lunch.
- ‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’
In this episode, Ross O'Carroll-Kelly recalls his mother's saying, "Common as muck." He also shares an interaction where someone calls him "Kicker."
- ‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly talks about his kids' rugby performance, which he finds embarrassing. He also mentions Sorcha's disapproval of his actions.
- The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’
This episode of Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times discusses a rugby match where his team was defeated by Wesley College. The episode focuses on the implications of this loss.
- ‘I’ve never said a word about Bray that wasn’t 100% warranted’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly talks about a double date and shares his views on Bray. The episode is from The Irish Times podcast.
- ‘We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now’
This episode of Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is titled 'We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now'. It describes a scene involving his neighbor, Joy Felton, and a BMW.
- ‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly describes a petrol station encounter. He is recognized by a driver, prompting thoughts about his father being on dating apps.
- ‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’
In this episode, Ross O'Carroll-Kelly talks about a Leinster rugby match and his interactions with teachers in the staffroom.
- ‘There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discusses his Christmas clean-up, including an Advent calendar from Blackrock College. He humorously explains the difference between a regular Advent calendar and a Blackrock College one.
- ‘We’re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks. Work through the pain barrier!’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discusses his rugby tactics book and leading a New Year's Day training session. The episode details the team's less-than-enthusiastic response to his coaching methods.
- ‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’
This episode recounts a Christmas crisis in Sorcha's family when the "Elf on the Shelf" goes missing, leading to a frantic search.
- Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly talks about his disappointment in Sorcha's lack of killer instinct. He describes their conversations and how Sorcha practices her vocal exercises.
- The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’
In this episode, Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's father is finding it difficult to face Christmas after Fionnuala's death. Sorcha reminds him that Fionnuala would have wanted them to celebrate.
- ‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’
The episode follows Ross, Sorcha, and Honor at a Christmas market in Belfast. Sorcha is enthusiastic about the market, while Honor questions their presence. The family discusses the possibility of a united Ireland and their perceptions of…
- ‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’
This episode features Ronan discussing the Ireland soccer team and a weekend result. He visits with a Santa hat and a big smile.
- ‘Dude, if you insist on coaching Blackrock, you can forget about me being your best man’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discusses his strained friendship with Christian due to Christian's reconciliation and re-engagement with his ex-wife, Lauren. Christian's decision to marry Lauren again creates friction among their friends.
- ‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’
This episode of Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times describes Honor's teenage years and their impact on the family. The O'Carroll-Kelly home's orangerie is shaken by the drama.
- ‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly shares his thoughts on his son's personality shift after taking up rugby, noting his son has become 'full of himself'. He also mentions hearing various opinions about his coaching techniques.
- ‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly considers the idea of academic-sporting balance in competitive schools. This arises after he learns about a meeting he is excluded from. He questions the nature of this meeting.
- This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly talks about his son, who is referred to as a wine snob from north Dublin. The episode is hosted on Acast.
- ‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly recounts a classroom rugby demonstration where he teaches students about different types of passes. The situation unfolds during an interaction with a deputy principal.
- Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord
It's the night of Honor's debs, and her date, Iarlaith, is expected to arrive. Sorcha's parents, Ross's father, and numerous friends are present at the O'Carroll-Kelly home.
- Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly observes a crowd of notable figures, including former government ministers, judges, rugby players, and media personalities, outside a restaurant. This episode explores the scene as Ronan describes a wine selection.
- ‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly recounts a moment where Sorcha screams upon seeing him, comparing the sound to her reaction during the economic recession.
- ‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly shares reflections on his past school experiences and offers thoughts on the nature of rugby.
- ‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discusses his father and Hennessy Coghlan-O'Hara's plan to reopen Shanahan's on the Green. He expresses his skepticism about their new business venture.
- ‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly reflects on his sons Brian, Johnny, and Leo starting school at Castlerock College, the same school he and his father attended.
- Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’
In this episode of Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, Sorcha discusses the upcoming Dalkey Lobster Festival, followed by a memory of her father reflecting on her Leaving Cert results.
- ‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discusses picking up his daughter, Honor, from the airport following her Leaving Cert holiday in Magaluf and a concern raised by Sorcha regarding Honor's drinking.
- ‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly recounts a walk around town with his son, Ronan, as they play a game identifying which businesses are legitimate and which are fronts for money laundering. Ronan also mentions his recent return from America after his v…
- When Honor drops the news, I sit there with my mouth open like someone from Roscommon seeing escalators for the first time
Sorcha and Honor discuss Honor's upcoming debs, with Sorcha expressing concern about the timing. The conversation reflects recurring tensions between the two regarding the event.
- The old dear made a seating plan for her own funeral. She didn’t want ugly people in the first three pews
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discusses a situation where Sorcha objects to him wearing Dubes to a funeral, referencing a seating plan made by the deceased.
- I get this sudden flashback to when I was six or seven and I’d hold the wheel steady for the old dear while she drove home, half-cut
The narrator recalls a childhood memory before his father shares excerpts from his new book, a collection of letters written to The Irish Times over fifty years. His father's attempt at humor is met with silence from the rest of the group.
- The old dear goes, ‘Sorcha? I don’t know anyone of that name. Is she one of your tarts, Ross?’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly recounts a crowded gathering featuring acquaintances from various past social campaigns, including efforts related to Funderland, the Luas, and the National Gallery.
- Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’
In this episode of Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, Ross and Oisinn discuss the concept of a living funeral involving Ross's mother.
- Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’
Ross discusses his half-brother Brett's recent appearance and Brett's unusual suggestion regarding a living funeral for someone close to them. Sorcha also weighs in on Brett's behavior.
- I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discusses a disagreement with Sorcha regarding a visit to Bray. He reflects on his own reactions to the trip.
- ‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’
An early morning visitor arrives at Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's home seeking him out. The episode also features Brett speaking to his wife about his past experiences.
- ‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discusses his wife Sorcha's efforts to connect with their daughter, Honor, on the night before Honor's Leaving Cert exams begin.
- He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals
Sorcha asks the narrator to take action after receiving a call from Angela, the wife of his brother. The situation involves Sorcha struggling to find excuses for Angela's requests.
- We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up
In this episode of Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, the narrator reflects on past experiences and interpersonal conflicts involving Oisinn, JP, and Christian.