Authentic Grief - Finding Meaning in Your After (Part 4)
Chapter #7 Suicide The word ""committed" is usually used in the context of crimes. 2016 suicide was ranked the 10thcause of death in the US. Pg 116 men die from suicide 4x more then women. Pain is a natural reaction to death but suffering is what our mind does to us. 118 Death by suicide is not a selfish act or even a choice. It's a sign of a mind that needs help. 114 The path to freedom from the suffering caused by our minds is through finding meaning. Pg 118 There are many paths to meaning, and if you search for them, you will eventually find them. 119 Give the suicide hotline to call or text: #988 or website 988lifeline.org Chapter #8 Complicated Relationships Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Anonymous However, hoping they will be different than they are only leads to more turmoil. Pg129 People are who they are, and they don't change just because we need them to. If they are important enough to us, we will overlook their insensitivity. If they are not, we may consider letting the relationship go. Pg 130 This is the difference between expectations on a relationship versus standards for a relationship. We grieve in character, both good and bad. Pg 131 What does the Enneagram have to contribute to grieving? My job is how I respond to situations and other people. How people choose to play their characters is not for me to evaluate. My one and only job is my own character. Pg 134 Too often when we deal with people in complicated relationships, we focus on their reactions. If I do this for them, will they appreciate it? Will it be reciprocated? I always encourage people to do kind things with no expectations. Expectations are resentments under construction. Pg 134 In the context of complicated relationships in the time of loss there is a lot of hurt. Hurting people hurt people. As a result there are things that are done and said during a time of bereavement that can cause pain. This is why Kessler goes into some depth talking about forgiveness because grieving neccessates forgiveness.Seek to make forgiveness a part of the grieving process. Four Types of Forgiveness: 1. Indirect forgiveness: you do it all inside yourself. 2. Direct forgiveness: you do it openly in a straightforward manner with sincerity 3. Conditional forgiveness: you forgive based on personal judgments made on the person's character or action. 4. Unconditional forgiveness: you give the person forgiveness whether they ask for it or not with disregard to their motives and having the personal motive of being free from resentment. This type of forgiveness is contingent on #1. Forgiveness opens our hearts when we are stuck in the prison of resentment. We get to be right, but we never get to be happy. The basic question of meaningful relationships is "Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?" Pg 137 Four Processes to Consider When Forgiving 1. Picture the person as an infant. 2. Think of them growing up and someone hurting them. 3. Acknowledge the relationship with that person for the duration of it and what it has contributed to life. 4. Remember the process of my own life, where I am and how I got here. When I recognize I'm human and I make mistakes, I can forgive others for their mistakes. Pg 138 This is a strategy for helping the person that has been hurt to work through the process of forgiveness. This does not justify the hurt that was caused or mean that the consequences of their action. One of the biggest spiritual lessons we can learn is to understand that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment. No one looks in the mirror in the morning and says; "I think I'll be a real jerk today." Pg. 139 It will help to remember that forgiveness is seldom for "them". It is for you. Pg. 139 In chapter #9 There are five specific ways that people can grow after tragedy: pg. 158 1. Their relationships grow stronger. 2. They discover new purposes in life. 3. They find inner strength. 4. Spirituality is deepened.