Authentic Grief - Finding Meaning in Your After (Part 3)
Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience. David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. What is Grief? Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed. Chapter #4 The First Step in Finding Meaning: In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer. Albert Camus pg. 67 On retreats on day #1 – write a letter to your past. Day #2 write a letter to your future self. It starts with a blank piece of paper but your future isn't written yet. You are the writer. Not your past, not your losses, not death. But you are the creator of your future… Don't let your past dictate your future. Pg 70 The story you tell yourself repeatedly becomes your meaning. Pg 71 Original Meaning Transformed vs. New Meaning: The death happened to me. vs. Death happens. I'm a victim. vs. I am a victor because I have survived a loss. This death was a punishment. vs. Death is usually random. Why did this happen to me? vs. Everyone gets something this lifetime. It happened because of something vs. There was nothing I could have done. My story is the saddest one vs. My story had very sad parts. Your life will never be the same but happiness again is still possible. Never being happy again is a statement about the future and no one can predict the future. All they can know for sure is that they are unhappy today. It helps to say, "I'm unhappy today." and leave it at that. Pg 72 Whatever thoughts you water are thoughts that will grow. Pg 73 Perhaps it is time to put down the mirror and pick up the binoculars. (Telescope, microscope) * MVVP book reference I look at the meaning the person is giving the event and then I help them change the meaning, not the event. The event is not going to be any different, but the meaning can be, and this can help them to deal with the loss. Pg 76 The reality is that no two people will ever react to an event in the same way. How you respond will depend upon the meaning you see in it. And like all perceptions of meaning, this will be influenced not just by the event itself, but also by your cultural background, your family, religion, temperament and life experience. Meaning comes from all that has made you who you are. Pg 77 Where is your loved on now? Is a good question but also "When are they?" They are no longer in the moment. They are past suffering pg. 77 Allowing yourself only to focus on the past, however miserably, can seem easier, more comfortable, than deciding to live fully in the world without your loved one. Pg 79 Underneath the reluctance to live or love again is fear. Pg 79 A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for" John A. Shield. When we are grieving, we want to stay in the harbor. It's a good place to be for a while. It's where we refuel, rebuild and repair. But we are meant to find new adventures… Pg 80 As the Buddha says, "if you are a lamp for someone else, it will brighten your path." The parable of the long spoons: A person is ushered into a banquet hall There are rows of tables laden with platters of sumptuous food, but the people seated around the tables are pale and emaciated, moaning in hunger. As he gets closer, he sees that each person is holding a spoon. But the spoon is so long he can't get the food to his mouth. Everyone is starving in agony. The person is then taken to another banqueting area where he encounters the same feasting arrangement he encountered in the first hall. There is again a cornucopia of food but here the people seated